30 Day Drawing Challenge -- Day 11

Ugh. Crappy picture is crappy. Ah well, here goes.

Day 11 -- Turning Point in Life
   

Hopefully this conveys the fact that I got on a pony ride once when I was in the lower single digits of age, and a life-long obsession was born. (I was more blond than brunette as a youngun, hence the weird hair color.) My second choice would probably have been something about realizing that promises/expectations/plans etc hardly ever equal reality...or something equally dismal. XD

When I was about 9 I spent part of a year taking weekly 'riding lessons' (more like glorified pony rides, but I digress), and the regular horses I rode were a retired grey Thoroughbred mare and a little paint Welsh pony. I wonder where they are sometimes.

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Today I was reminded about Script Frenzy, a month-long challenge to write a 100-page script. (It's like National Novel Writing Month, which is a month-long challenge to write a 50,000 word novel, but deals with pages instead of words.) It starts in two days, on April 1st...and I'm really debating if I should do it or not. On the one hand, I have a story in mind that I'd like to make into a graphic novel one day, but it's not even written yet and I love writing scripts. On the other...do I REALLY need one more thing to add to my list? XD 

Maybe I could do it after I'm done with the drawing challenge or something. Hmmmm....*strokes chin* I'd be starting late, but a month is a month, right?

I'll think about it. :p

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In the meantime...school, work, riding, and drawing are the main things on my plate, and all have been accomplished. I'm going to a movie tonight with a friend (it's a toss-up between The Hunger Games and The Lorax) and she's spending the night. Then tomorrow there's an Easter egg hunt hosted by our church that we're helping with...and a house to clean...and my younger brother's band is doing their first concert in the evening...and have I mentioned that I read Catching Fire last night and was up til 1:30 finishing it?

How did weekends suddenly become so cram-packed with activities? O.o

Anyway. Moving on.

30 Day Drawing Challenge -- Day 10

1/3 of the way through this series, people! O.o It's crazy how fast time goes.

Day 10 -- Favorite Candy

I'm not much of a candy person (salty snacky foods are more my weakness), but I do enjoy a good dark chocolate bar. Any brand, really, as long as it's about 75-80% dark. Nom. The best chocolate bar I can remember having (I savored it the most, anyway) was a dark chocolate/bacon/sea salt combination. It was so rich but MAN was it delicious.

Random splatter thingies in the background today...it's time everyone stopped floating on a blank white background. Time for random Photoshop brushes! XD

(I would also like to add that I HAD put a shadow on there...in dark red. So it had the unfortunate look of a chibi sitting in a pool of blood. *facepalm* Thank goodness for photoshop fixes.)

.....

 After much thought and deliberation, I have decided to keep this post up and public. I'm finding that telling the hard truth has a tendency of weeding out the people who can't handle it...and I'm tired of being told that being a Christian means you can't be angry or say what you really mean, because we're supposed to be merciful and loving and what have you.

Mercy and love have their place. But so do justice and truth. Justice hasn't been very forthcoming concerning this subject, but I can tell the truth and by golly I'm gonna.

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Remember those messy posts I warned you about? This is going to turn into one of those real quick.

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Ya ever just want to cry and throw things and scream incoherently because you don't know what to say or how to say it, and every word that comes to mind seems to be filled with confusion and anger and such indescribable hurt that you don't even want to say them because you sound like a hate-filled non-Christian who is about to axe somebody?

It's been one of those nights. Or rather, it's turning into one of those.

(Granted, the entire evening hasn't been bad. What with the daily drawing and baking/icing a cake, it's actually been a fairly good one. But certain news has this strange ability to reduce me to a quivering incomprehensible mass of  hurt confusion within a matter of minutes. It should go up as a new superpower.)

To whom it may concern:

Why do you even care how I would be handling this? You, who have done so much damage: Why. Do. You. Care. Are you feeling guilty for what you have done? Congratulations, you show that you have a basic conscience. It takes more than that to be a responsible human being.

You spent an entire year making promises, telling me we would do this and that and that you loved me. Don't give me this 'I CARE about you' crap--caring is less about responding to your emotions and more about realizing that feelings come and go, but promises are meant to be honored. If you merely 'cared', then the entire last year was a lie.

God spoke to you? God speaks to people every day, but I seriously doubt that He would have told only you and never breathed a hint that anything was wrong to me. You think you would have never made me happy and just want the best for me? Well, how would you freakin' know? You never bothered to find out before saying 'AUGH! I give up!'

I am torn between agony over the person you seemed to be, and utmost loathing for the person you seem to have become. No, I don't buy that you 'care'. You have never bothered to ask how I'm doing. You simply dropped off the face of the earth, avoiding people and pretending that you're heartbroken but everything's 'okay'. I don't buy that you're okay either. I think you're just scared, and didn't know what to do, and decided 'whelp, that didn't work' so it'll never work. 

And what it comes down to?

You didn't want it to work. 

If you truly, sincerely wanted things to work, you wouldn't have acted like a child and run away because it was all too overwhelming.

If you wanted things to work, you would have backed up your promises and not suddenly back-pedaled under the banner of 'wanting what's best (even if you don't agree)'.

If you wanted things to work...but you didn't. 

And you don't. 

And you never will, unless you figure out how to be an adult and know that you can't run away from the things that overwhelm you.

That's why I'm writing this here, where you'll never read it, because you wouldn't be able to handle it. If it were sent as a message, you would never respond due to being 'overwhelmed'.

There's more to life than always feeling comfortable and safe in retreating. 

And if you ever do read this? I dare you to prove me wrong and show that you are, in fact, more than the coward you have proven yourself to be. Go ahead. Consider it a challenge to stop being 'overwhelmed' by the demands of life.

You have no earthly idea how much you have hurt me over the past 6 weeks. A year of lies and leading-on is a hard thing to stand up under. Not only have I lost the person I thought would be a life-long friend and companion, but I have to live with the fact that you didn't REALLY mean any of it. And that's the absolute hardest thing to accept out of the entire mess.

30 Day Drawing Challenge -- Day 9

Day 9 -- Favorite TV Show

Ask me 6 months ago, and I would have said Dr. Who. But for now, Sherlock has usurped the Doctor. What can I say? It's absolutely fantastic. (Jeeves and Wooster would have been another choice, but I can't draw Stephen Fry to save my life. The man has the weirdest face ever.)

Plus, Martin Freeman (Watson) is Bilbo in The Hobbit, and Benedict Cumberbatch (Sherlock) is playing Smaug. What's not to love??

I didn't do the background thingy...I found it online and plastered it behind the guys for context's sake. XD Everything else is drawn from scratch, though (as you can tell from Watson's uneven eyes and Sherlock's face--Benedict Cumberbatch is another dude with a weird face).

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So today I had another riding lesson with a friend of mine...apparently the horse and I really aren't in too bad of shape knowledge-wise, considering that I'm almost completely self-taught. :p But I'm appreciating the chance to have someone who knows what they're doing critique my riding and show me how to do thing properly. Most of the things she's been telling me I've read about, and I know OF them, but (for example) to be posting the trot and applying the inside leg properly while holding the reins correctly and shift the hips at JUST the right moment to cue the horse into the correct lead? That's something that you can't learn from a book, I'm afraid. 

And apparently the riding/lunging the horse every day is paying off, because she is WAY more responsive than when we first started. I mean...she's not too thrilled about it. And she's still going to fuss a bit here and there. But for the most part she's willing to give all she's got when being ridden. (That was rather a large compliment towards Colletta, actually--I mean, she's not the perfect horse by any means, but her willingness to do almost anything covers up a multitude of sins. *glee*)

So all in all...the horse stuff is coming along very well. I'm pleased with her, and after working for a couple more weeks on getting her more receptive to leg pressure (her biggest irritation now--she's ultra-sensitive to leg pressure, and wants to go faster/brace against it) and to accepting bit contact, I'll probably start on the endurance stuff in earnest. But I can't work on that until she's more obedient with the little stuff.

Good grief. All I seem to do on here is post random drawings and talk about the horse. XD 

30 Day Drawing Challenge--Day 8

 

Day 8 -- Favorite Animated Character

Okay, I LOVE Wall-E. It's out there now. :p He's the only robot I know of that makes me go 'AWWW' and want to scoop him up and cuddle him. Plus he's so simple and pure in nature, that it never seems to occur to him to do the wrong thing...such a cute little guy.

This was a blend of pen tool, paintbrush (finally figured out how to take the tablet pressure as opposed to pen pressure, so the lineart is a bit cleaner now), stamp tools, and various opacity plus burn tool. There's a lot of different methods all thrown together here...and I did look at a picture to draw this, but it was all free-hand otherwise. (Looking at pictures for reference is not cheating. I rest my case.)

At first I was really stumped on this one, because the only animated movies I watch are Pixar and Dreamworks-related. And lately I haven't had a 'favorite' character of the animated nature...sure, Gru and Megamind came to mind, but they aren't hardcore favorites. Ya know?

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Otherwise, I rode the horse for about 45 minutes today working on walking, trotting, loping, stopping, and a little turning on the forehand in the pasture. She was rather lazy--she tripped with her back feet once while loping across the pasture (*facepalm*), and didn't seem to have a lot of energy. But then again, I haven't had much energy either. I had to force myself to go out and ride today. >.< In retrospect I'm glad that I did...but at the time the only thing I wanted to do was flop on my bed and go 'urgh'.

Regarding the horse, she's getting easier to work with. (Or today may have just been a good day. XD) Laziness aside she is pretty willing and doesn't fuss as much as she used to...oh, the battles we used to have. But no more! 

Anyway. Enough rambling...time to continue posting shtuff on FB etc. *toddles off*

30 Day Drawing Challenge -- Day 7

I've been at this a week, folks! It's been a while since I stuck with anything that long....anyway.

Day 7 -- Favorite Word

'indubitably', adv.: without doubt, certainly

Or rather, what I say when I want to sound smart. XD Just a stick figure today, but he's awfully proud of himself and his monocle'd knowledge.

30 Day Drawing Challenge -- Day 6

Day 6 --Favorite Book Character

For the uninitiated...I am an enormous fan of Les Miserables. (Or at least WAS an enormous fan--the fervor has cooled somewhat in the past year or so after I saw it onstage.) And my absolute favorite character in the book/musical is Inspector Javert. 

My interest--or dare I saw, obsession--with this guy got to the point where I would write down 'conversations' between him and myself, and he starred in several old fanfics. To make a long story short, he's a snarky old cop with some issues when it comes to 'the law' and making his life have meaning and I loved poking fun at the guy.

(Actually, he kinda acted as a buffer for ideas--when I was feeling overly emotional or irritated I'd toss the current botheration at him, and having a no-nonsense comeback usually kept me fairly grounded. And I swear I'm not crazy. O.o If it makes you feel better, he was something like an inner editor.)

So method...I tried to use the pen tool and stroke for the outline, but I couldn't figure out how to change the stroke pattern until much later. So the outline is drawn normally, with the pen tool used for quick coloring and shading. (Well...I SAY quick... *coughs*) The shading is just simple cell shading...and it took me a ridiculous amount of time but it IS finally done. I haven't drawn Javert or full-body pictures in forever.

Horse Ramblings and Daily Whatnots

This week I've been good on my word of riding daily--every day except Thursday has been spent either lunging or riding the horse for 40-60 minutes. Mah arms are tired....anyway. Two weeks ago I had posted a picture on Facebook complaining about the horse's sweat pattern:

 

 In this one (taken two weeks ago) the hair on her neck is wrinkled in vertical lines, meaning that she's been bracing her neck and altogether tense for the ride. I was shown how to get her to relax somewhat, so today I went for an hour-long ride and tried to use what I've learned.

(As a hint: it's really hard to remember everything I was shown. My body is sore and tired after only an hour.)

 

Here (taken today) she's a lot sweatier due to the humidity, but the vertical lines are less noticeable and most of her neck is fairly smooth. Plus (and this may just be hopeful thinking) I think she's got a little more definition than she did two week ago. 8D

So...here's to plugging away at it and keeping up with the riding. I have a book on dressage arena exercises that I may be able to pull out and start working on in a few weeks.

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And back to daily life...I'm in a rather 'poor me' mood tonight, but I'll try not to indulge that side too much. 

All I can say is...tomorrow will be 6 weeks. I miss everything, but mostly the daily interactions and little stuff. Like asking how his day was and what he had for lunch, and getting to talk at night and send silly youtube videos and dream about what we were going to do after we were together. I guess the problem with building castles in the air is that they're made out of nothing...but it still feels like something was lost when they collapse. It's a horrible feeling. And the worst part is being cut off (which, granted, was my idea. I can be an idiot sometimes) and not only knowing nothing, but feeling like I can't ask because he'll try to honor my request to not talk to me and just ignore any attempts at contact. *clutches head*

Have I mentioned that this has been highly messy and confusing? Don't ever get dumped if you can help it. *gestures vaguely* 

On a side note, I get the feeling that I'm turning into the mopey friend that people don't want to talk to anymore because all I can think about, after talking about the weather and one's health, is what's happened and I get all depressed. >.< It's really frustrating to try to hold a conversation and burst into tears at the randomest provocation.
Blargh.

Concerning the rest of daily life...there's riding, and school, and cleaning houses...I did go to see The Hunger Games yesterday. No one in my family wanted to go, and I decided to go 10 minutes before the movie started, so it was a lone venture. :p Overall it was enjoyable (though I missed the first 5-10 minutes), but the shaky hand-camera usage was way overused and headache-inducing. It was fairly faithful to the book, but the ending could have been less rushed, with more character development throughout. I know people don't like spoilers--so I'd say go see it, but read the book first. :p The music wasn't as memorable as I hoped it would be--nothing as memorable as the fan-made music I've been listening to for days. It made me sad.

And otherwise...meh. I spend a lot of time trying to distract myself. *shrugs* Someday I won't have to. But in the meantime....meh.

30 Day Drawing Challenge -- Day 5

Day 5 -- Best Friend

At least, he thinks he's my best friend. XD I never draw dogs, and I am thoroughly convinced that they have the weirdest faces.

Oh, a HUMAN best friend? Oh. Sorry...mine left 6 weeks ago and I haven't found a replacement yet. *is very lonely tonight*

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30 Day Drawing Challenge -- Day 4

This one turned out a little creepy....but here goes.

Day 4 -- Favorite Place

It's supposed to be my putzing around on the computer on my bed...but it turned into some emo-computer-freak-picture, a la 'Hark! A Vagrant' style. O.o Ah well. This was all done with two brushes (small, thin brush for the lines; thick round brush for the shadows) at medium opacity.

(I'm also taking 'favorite place' to mean 'the place you spend the most time'. It's slightly pathetic, but I spend quite a bit of time on this silly machine. *squints at computer*)

Endurance Riding and Goals-ish-things

So for the past week or so I've been working on riding the horse every day with the assistance of a friend of mine...I know nothing about dressage but would like to learn, so she's been giving me a hand at learning the basics. And when the horse's brain doesn't hurt from thinking so hard about what she's doing, it's a lot of fun riding and getting her to figure out what it is she needs to do and learn. (Though last night I dreamed ALL night of riding the horse along the rail, getting her to flex at the poll and turn on the forehand and stay relaxed and GEH. It was slightly stressful. XD)

 Hopefully over this summer I'll be riding a LOT more and working up to doing some endurance-style riding.

For those who may not know what I'm talking about, endurance riding is "an equestrian sport based on controlled long-distance races." I like to think of it as marathons for horses. The longer rides seem to be between 50-100 miles, but it can take years to get one's horse (and self!) into shape for a ride. Since I don't have a trailer anymore I'm a bit limited as to where I can attend rides. But before I can even think about doing any 'professional' rides I have some smaller goals to reach first.

1. Solidify the basic dressage training -- That's a bit vague, but getting her to stay relaxed and keep her head from popping up every time she speeds up is the current goal. XD (Along with getting her used to leg pressure, flexing, keeping a good seat, etc. O.o)

2. Consistent long slow distances at least 3 days a week -- Endurance rides are typically timed, anywhere from 2 1/2 hours for a 12.5 mile ride to 3-4 days for a 100-mile ride. Starting with long slow distances (LSD, if you can keep from laughing) conditions the horse's cardiovascular system, hooves, skeleton, muscles, everything. The only thing is that each system conditions itself at a different speed; while the cardiovascular system can be in peak condition within 1-2 months, it can take 24-36 months for the hooves and musculoskeletal system to be in peak condition. I'd prefer not to put shoes on the horse due to the expense, and she has good hard hooves to begin with. So walking/trotting the long, slow distances a few times a week can start getting the overall system in better shape without worrying about being timed yet.

(Or, riding 2-5 miles to start and working slowly on longer distances/shorter times as time progresses. See, I can be concise sometimes too. :p)

3. Go on at least 1 long ride at the end of the summer -- Three years ago I rode Colletta from my house to a rodeo 24 miles away. Neither of us were in very good shape, and while she seemed fine I felt like roadkill for the better part of a week. XD So I'd like to go on that ride again, but this time be in better shape and (hopefully) make it in better time--though that depends on the people I ride with and how fast they feel like going.

A more vague future idea involves 'riding the rails'. There are a lot of train tracks that are in less than ideal shape, and as a result the trains are short and have to go slowly. So if I rode the horse along the train tracks I could have a specific road to follow, without fear of being run over or spooking the horse TOO much. But that's for the future.

3 working goals seems like a good place to start...I can't guarantee that I'll continue riding on a consistent schedule when the summer heat/winter cold gets here, but I have ideas about how to get around the former. (The latter, not so much. I hate hate HATE being cold. O.e)

And the reason why I'm telling you folks? Well, I've heard the best way to finish something is to make oneself accountable to other people...so if I tell ya'll on here I HAVE to do it on pain of appearing like a flake. ;)

30 Day Drawing Challenge -- Day 3

Day tres of zee drawink challenge...it is here! And I got done a little quicker than I thought I would today.

Day 3 -- Favorite Food

I can't help it...BACON! I've been having it every morning with (for?) breakfast for weeks along with an egg covered with nutritional yeast. Ees amazing.

So for the painting here I just slapped down the base color with a brush, then with a variety of splatter brushes at different sizes and opacity went at the actual bacon. Hence, it got a little impressionistic...and instead of working on several layers for coloring, the entire drawing was done on one layer. It was fun to try something a bit different--and from a distance it looks ever so slightly real. At least to my eye. ;)

Have a lovely Thursday, folks! See you tomorrow with the next drawing...

30 Day Drawing Challenge--Days 1 & 2

Yesterday I started a 30-day drawing challenge, because I haven't been drawing consistently for ages (or I'd start a drawing, doodle/sketch for a while, get bored, and stop working on it). So, for the next 30 days, I will be drawing (and coloring!) 1 picture a day.

It's a general list, for the most part.

The only twist for me personally is that I'm restricting my drawing abilities to the Wacom tablet (I have a Bamboo Fun that doesn't get near the use it should, hence I'm not very good at it. XD). No starting from a pencil sketch or photograph--it all has to start and end from scratch on the tablet. 

So with this being day 2, I've got the first two drawings finished...

 Day 1: Yourself

This was started last night around 8, hence it's a bit of a rush job. The style is reminiscent of a graphic novel I was writing/drawing a couple of years ago...the story fizzled out, but the art remained.

The coloring was done by using the pen tool and brushes at various opacity...nothing super special.

Day 2: Favorite Animal

Yeah, yeah, I know...everyone knows I can draw horses and that I stinking love them. XD I used to have an Arab filly this color, with the rose-grey dapples (she started out as a bay, and progressively got lighter. I never cut her mane and tail either, so both were incredibly long and thick and black/dark dark brown with reddish highlights.) 

 I colored in all the base colors by using the pen tool, and then used the dodge/burn tools for the shading. 

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On a side note, am I the only one who is totally psyched for The Hunger Games? 8D I've been listening to fan-written music for the movie, and dang. I'm getting excited for this, folks. I couldn't put down the book when I got my grubby little mitts on it, and read the entire thing in one sitting. It was that good.

And because I can, here's a link to the music I've been listening to all day. It's the 'unofficial score', fan-made and such, but it's really, REALLY good.

http://hungergamesmusic.weebly.com/the-music.html

Morning Mist

A week ago I woke up earlier than usual, and saw that it was incredibly foggy outside. So I grabbed my camera and trotted outside to take a look at the horse out in the pasture.

 Colletta, looking perturbed

 Sunrise over the trees

Finally looking to see what I'm doing

 
Today is the first day that I've missed out on riding...perhaps tonight will be better for it (the wind is insane during the day here). In the meantime...one day at a time.

St. Patrick's Day

I can't think of St. Patrick's Day without thinking of this song:

Things are up and down. This week overall has been good. I've been riding the horse more (I want to get into some endurance riding and possibly some basic dressage) and cleaning houses and being somewhat normal. (Emphasis on somewhat. I'm not exactly a normal individual even on a good day. :p)

And when it comes down to it...I have no idea what I want to say on here. Like either there's stuff I should still keep close due to not wanting to sound bitter and angry, or there's stuff that's just silly and everyday. I guess that's what happens when I take a year-long break from blogging...I miss it sometimes, but when it comes down to writing there's a huge blockage that keeps me from being real or spontaneous or what have you.

Let me try that again. For the past several months to a year, every time I sit down to write--whether it be fiction, non, or just about what's been happening in my life--it feels like I have to physically drag every word from my brain and shove it onto paper. It's as if thoughts are reluctant to be uprooted and placed out where everyone could possibly see them. Dashing out froth feels like a waste of time, and chronicling my life seems frivolous at best. *shrugs* What's the point of putting it all out there? Hmmm?

*crickets chirp*

Ah well, forget I said anything. XD Perhaps I'll give this another disjointed shot tomorrow, or next week. In the meantime enjoy the song and whatnot.

Exit Wounds

Why is it that The Script seems to be describing things perfectly? I didn't even like them that much a couple of months ago. Now they're constantly in my head.

"I'm falling through the doors of the emergency room
Can anybody help me with these exit wounds
I don't know how much more love this heart can lose
And I'm dying, dying from these exit wounds..."

Up from Brokenness

This is my time to vent. I'm posting this for me, not for any other person here on the internet. It's going to be messy, raw, angry, insecure, and spastic on any given day....all things that I am.

My brokenness now is just a phase. I know that. But I still need a way to let it out.

Thus it begins.