Travel

This is probably going to turn into one of those late-night, rambly, somewhat nonsensical posts, so here goes.

The other day I had an almost irresistible desire to drive up to Virginia to visit Assateague and Chincoteague islands. For the uninformed, the book 'Misty of Chincoteague' by Marguerite Henry made those islands famous by writing about their ponies and the yearly pony event. I've wanted to visit every since I was a kid, but never thought I would have the opportunity to do so. Until now.

I can't go now, for several reasons. (Lack of funds tops the list, quickly followed by not enough time on the way home from Florida, and rounded off with not having someone to drive 1,000 miles to the original commonwealth.) But I've been noticing lately a growing desire to travel and go places I've never been before, just to say I did.

First it was Colorado. Now it's Florida and doing things on my own when not watching nephews (I'm going to go riding here within the next week or so, and I'm terribly excited at the prospect.). Later, who knows? Maybe driving up to Minnesota to see one of the girls from this summer, maybe taking the thousand-mile trip to Virginia and the Assateague ponies, probably going back to Colorado at some point...my restlessness is breaking out in the form of wanderlust and this unexplainable, irresistible, terrifying feeling of freedom that comes from going on these crazy trips.

I can't even explain why I'm restless. It has something to do with feeling unfocused and unattached to anyone or anything...add in a dash of being tired of living in a place that I can only describe as a dead-end, and there you have it. Don't get me wrong, I love my home. But with my brothers gone and Colletta gone and my friends moving away and not having any really close friends nearby, it almost seems better to travel and be alone of my own accord, rather than being held there by some sense of duty or being trapped.

(I use strong words sometimes, but mostly because I'm not taking the time to find a better word. So when I say 'trapped' and the like, it's with a bit of hyperbole rather than truly feeling forced to remain where I am.)

Traveling probably isn't the answer to the loneliness, but the way I look at it: I'm not going to be in this stage of life forever. Nowhere else will I have the freedom to go where I like and do what I want (within reason, of course). And I anticipate settling down eventually, but while I can still travel, I figure it can't hurt to indulge the drifter within.

(I think this is the first time in over a year I've used pictures that aren't mine. O.o Tumblr and Pinterest are awesome for wandering/traveling pictures.)

Well...I'm back.

I may have been slightly procrastinating over the last few weeks. Ahem. Suffice to say, I'm home now a little sooner than expected (came back on the 1st as opposed to the 12th), and have pictures and such to post, but first I think it's time to be a little introspective.

First before the first thing (does that make any sense?), the last few days before leaving were kind of unreal. We were still working like crazy people, finished scraping glue off Josiah's office floor (I have a whole post about that, don't worry), and while some of us were preparing to leave others were preparing to stay as long as need be. They're still on the ranch, so prayers for them are much appreciated.

Seven of us stayed with Kas' family outside of Denver, so we left on Sunday, spent Monday chilling, and went to the airport on Tuesday. Sunday felt like a dream, to be honest. I went to church, participated in an elk bugling contest (which was an absolute blast and I got a t-shirt out of the deal XD), and then wandered around the camp in something of a daze thinking, 'this will be the last time I see this creek...the last time I see staff housing...the last time I see this or that or the other...' But I didn't cry. (I thought I had gotten that all out the previous night, after watching 'While You Were Sleeping with Charissa and Emily and sobbing on their shoulders about leaving) I didn't even cry when we hugged everyone goodbye, or when all my things got packed in the truck, or as we started to drive away.

But just when I was thinking that I had gotten away unscathed, Tess turns around from the front seat of the car with tears streaming down her face and sobs, "Guys, this SUCKS." And then we all (meaning all 5 of us girls in the car) officially lost it. The ensuing flow of tears was an unstoppable force or something. Ugh.

We all managed to get it together eventually, and the drive to Kas' house was absolutely gorgeous. Fall is in full swing in Colorado, and let me tell you there's nothing quite like it.

The aspens are even more yellow now, if the pictures on Facebook are any indicator. Sigh. It is SO pretty there.

But anyway. Monday we putzed around most of the day, relaxing and walking around town a bit (we went to Kas' family's coffee shop, and WOW. Getting ideas like crazy, y'all.), and went to this animal sanctuary about 20 minutes from her house. They rescue large carnivores from abusive situations, for the most part, and give tours over the pens and such. I have pictures of lions, and tigers, and bears (oh my), and wolves, etc. XD

Tuesday I came home...and I've been wildly oscillating between loving being home (the huge amounts of oxygen have given me lots of energy), desperately wishing I was back on the ranch, and wondering what I'm going to do next.

(Here's where it gets introspective. You're welcome to stay or go as you will.)

I've been biking and riding the horse in between cleaning houses, unpacking (done now, just need to sort between the things I need and don't need), and eating about half of what I was eating out West. (I gained like 15 pounds out there. I may or may not be slightly aghast at this fact. >.< On the plus side--no pun intended--I can now climb mountains and haul 5-gallon water jugs like they're nothing.) The exercise is much needed after going from pretty manual labor-filled days to very easy days. And I think the horse is liking the attention. She's been wanting to run and get going every time I ride, which is really nice after not riding much at all this summer.

There's just something of an adjustment period, I guess...after living with the same people for 5 months, pouring into them and being poured into with hopes, doubts, fears, prayers, and reaching a level of intimacy and unity that I have NEVER experienced in my entire life with any other group of people, I've been feeling somewhat uprooted. My thoughts are scattered, my actions even more so, and all I want to do is ride my horse and think and read books I've read a million times before.

I finished reading North and South last week (a new book for me, but one that will be read and re-read, fret not), and watched the miniseries with Richard Armitage again, and GAH. Let's just say that I shouldn't watch romances at all, because it makes me feel unsatisfied and sad and filled with warm fuzzies/happy at the same time. Argh.

But back to the subject on hand. Basically...I miss people, and having day-to-day purpose, and I don't know what to do with my life, and I feel very confused and lonely these days. Hopefully things will settle down, and I'll try to post some more pictures etc, but I can't promise too much at the moment.

Week 10 Recap

Week 10 recap...let's do this thing!

Up top we have Jason driving us up to the Upper Meadow, because we were feeling lazy that day. XD

One Year

"She had a letter written...to [him], then a second, then a third. [He] had replied to none of them...Then she thought of [him], and her heart turned dark at the place that had been his."

 --Les Miserables, Book 4, "To Trust Is Sometimes To Surrender"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It's been a year ago today. I'm not as upset as I thought I would have been, but neither would I go so far as to say I'm happy about it either.

I was going to draw a little comic-type thing to illustrate exactly how I've felt over the past year, but I didn't have enough time and I don't have enough faith in my art to get across what my mind is seeing. But I jotted down some notes throughout the day, and it's been interesting to put into words precisely what the last year has been like.

Imagine a tree, if you will. Not an enormous one, but decently sized and thriving. And one day this tree was deliberately uprooted, leaving disturbed earth and torn trailing roots. Of course, it doesn't die immediately. The uprooting is just the beginning of a slow death--the drying of the limbs, the leaves strangled and withering, and the tree itself settling into its new prone position. The roots cannot grab hold of the earth again. Its only lot is to die.

After a while the disturbed dirt is smoothed by wind and rain and whatnot. The tree itself starts to turn back to the soil from whence it grew. But one day there's a green sprout...and the next day another, and another, until soon the tree is covered with growth. From death has come life--nothing quite as majestic yet as the original tree, but there's potential. The jagged edges are softened.

But there isn't a day yet when the carnage is completely forgotten. The edges may be softened, but they're still broken. The scars may be covered, but they're still tender.

Intellectually speaking it's 'all been for the best'. Physically, spiritually, and mentally, if things had gone through, it would have been an uphill struggle through a variety of unpleasant, deep-rooted issues. While I like to think I could have 'made it' I honestly don't know. But a day doesn't go by (speaking quite literally now) when I don't wonder what might have been, or memories blindside me, or I think 'what are you doing these days? How are you doing? Do you ever think of me at all?'

If I don't think too much about it, I'm all right--and I've gotten pretty good at fielding memories and shoving them away before they can have much impact.

I used to get angry about this...these days I'm just sad.

Bring him home...

For the past day we (meaning I and almost 500 other people that I know of) have been praying for a very sick little 16 month old boy named Avery. I never met him, never knew he existed before yesterday, but it was still horribly sad and a shock when I saw this update on the prayer page this afternoon.

"Avery went to be with Jesus today. We are heartbroken. The sixteen months we had with him were beautiful."

 The friend who brought this situation to my attention is very tender-hearted and this is the third death of a close friend of hers just this year. Even though Avery is Home now, it's still terrible for his parents and their friends and everyone who knew this little boy. 

Please....keep them in your prayers.  

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."

Reflections Upon The Chronicles of Narnia

(Spoilers and quotes abound within--if you haven't read the Narnian books and don't wish to have them spoiled for you, go no further.)

I was one of those kids who sort of grew up with the Narnia books (my older brothers loved them and we have a well-worn boxed set to prove it), but never actually read them until I was a pre-teen. Then I made the mistake of reading The Last Battle first (because it had the picture of a unicorn on the cover), and read the rest of the series out of order before coming to my senses and reading them from the beginning.

Since then--well over 10 years ago--I've read them several times from beginning to end. Each time I see something else or remember parts that I've forgotten about, and start wanting to use words like 'delicious' and 'beastly' and 'thrilling' more often and call people 'a brick'. (That's a good thing, apparently, to be a brick.) Recently I got an omnibus version of the series that's about the size of my omnibus of Lord of the Rings, and have been remembering why I love these books so much.