"She had a letter written...to [him], then a second, then a third. [He] had replied to none of them...Then she thought of [him], and her heart turned dark at the place that had been his."
--Les Miserables, Book 4, "To Trust Is Sometimes To Surrender"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It's been a year ago today. I'm not as upset as I thought I would have been, but neither would I go so far as to say I'm happy about it either.
I was going to draw a little comic-type thing to illustrate exactly how I've felt over the past year, but I didn't have enough time and I don't have enough faith in my art to get across what my mind is seeing. But I jotted down some notes throughout the day, and it's been interesting to put into words precisely what the last year has been like.
Imagine a tree, if you will. Not an enormous one, but decently sized and thriving. And one day this tree was deliberately uprooted, leaving disturbed earth and torn trailing roots. Of course, it doesn't die immediately. The uprooting is just the beginning of a slow death--the drying of the limbs, the leaves strangled and withering, and the tree itself settling into its new prone position. The roots cannot grab hold of the earth again. Its only lot is to die.
After a while the disturbed dirt is smoothed by wind and rain and whatnot. The tree itself starts to turn back to the soil from whence it grew. But one day there's a green sprout...and the next day another, and another, until soon the tree is covered with growth. From death has come life--nothing quite as majestic yet as the original tree, but there's potential. The jagged edges are softened.
But there isn't a day yet when the carnage is completely forgotten. The edges may be softened, but they're still broken. The scars may be covered, but they're still tender.
Intellectually speaking it's 'all been for the best'. Physically, spiritually, and mentally, if things had gone through, it would have been an uphill struggle through a variety of unpleasant, deep-rooted issues. While I like to think I could have 'made it' I honestly don't know. But a day doesn't go by (speaking quite literally now) when I don't wonder what might have been, or memories blindside me, or I think 'what are you doing these days? How are you doing? Do you ever think of me at all?'
If I don't think too much about it, I'm all right--and I've gotten pretty good at fielding memories and shoving them away before they can have much impact.
I used to get angry about this...these days I'm just sad.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It's been a year ago today. I'm not as upset as I thought I would have been, but neither would I go so far as to say I'm happy about it either.
I was going to draw a little comic-type thing to illustrate exactly how I've felt over the past year, but I didn't have enough time and I don't have enough faith in my art to get across what my mind is seeing. But I jotted down some notes throughout the day, and it's been interesting to put into words precisely what the last year has been like.
Imagine a tree, if you will. Not an enormous one, but decently sized and thriving. And one day this tree was deliberately uprooted, leaving disturbed earth and torn trailing roots. Of course, it doesn't die immediately. The uprooting is just the beginning of a slow death--the drying of the limbs, the leaves strangled and withering, and the tree itself settling into its new prone position. The roots cannot grab hold of the earth again. Its only lot is to die.
After a while the disturbed dirt is smoothed by wind and rain and whatnot. The tree itself starts to turn back to the soil from whence it grew. But one day there's a green sprout...and the next day another, and another, until soon the tree is covered with growth. From death has come life--nothing quite as majestic yet as the original tree, but there's potential. The jagged edges are softened.
But there isn't a day yet when the carnage is completely forgotten. The edges may be softened, but they're still broken. The scars may be covered, but they're still tender.
Intellectually speaking it's 'all been for the best'. Physically, spiritually, and mentally, if things had gone through, it would have been an uphill struggle through a variety of unpleasant, deep-rooted issues. While I like to think I could have 'made it' I honestly don't know. But a day doesn't go by (speaking quite literally now) when I don't wonder what might have been, or memories blindside me, or I think 'what are you doing these days? How are you doing? Do you ever think of me at all?'
If I don't think too much about it, I'm all right--and I've gotten pretty good at fielding memories and shoving them away before they can have much impact.
I used to get angry about this...these days I'm just sad.
I'm sad for you too, Molly. Sad for both of you.
ReplyDeleteand thankful that God is bringing you through, one day at a time, one moment at a time.
I love you.
~ JM
Thank you for that...it's hard to believe it's been a year already. On the one hand it feels it's gone by in a flash, and on the other it feels like yesterday. Bleh. (On a side note, I saw a picture of him a few days ago from Catan night at the Hopes (quite by accident, believe me)...is it just me, or does he look like a homeless dude? He hadn't cut his hair or shaved in ages in the picture. O.o)
DeleteLove you too. *hugs*
so sorry for these sad memories...when people are sad I am usually quiet and stay out of the way. Maybe because that is how I prefer to be treated when I am sad. So it's very hard for me to know what encouraging thing to write even if that is just a, hey I'm feeling for you. But I hope this doesn't sound awkward. *hug* love you!
ReplyDelete~Lydiana
I'm usually quiet and out of the way too--I don't know how to deal with grief aside from withdrawing. XD *hugs back* Love you too! And things aren't always bad. It's just fielding the bad and enjoying the good at this point.
Delete