.....

 After much thought and deliberation, I have decided to keep this post up and public. I'm finding that telling the hard truth has a tendency of weeding out the people who can't handle it...and I'm tired of being told that being a Christian means you can't be angry or say what you really mean, because we're supposed to be merciful and loving and what have you.

Mercy and love have their place. But so do justice and truth. Justice hasn't been very forthcoming concerning this subject, but I can tell the truth and by golly I'm gonna.

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Remember those messy posts I warned you about? This is going to turn into one of those real quick.

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Ya ever just want to cry and throw things and scream incoherently because you don't know what to say or how to say it, and every word that comes to mind seems to be filled with confusion and anger and such indescribable hurt that you don't even want to say them because you sound like a hate-filled non-Christian who is about to axe somebody?

It's been one of those nights. Or rather, it's turning into one of those.

(Granted, the entire evening hasn't been bad. What with the daily drawing and baking/icing a cake, it's actually been a fairly good one. But certain news has this strange ability to reduce me to a quivering incomprehensible mass of  hurt confusion within a matter of minutes. It should go up as a new superpower.)

To whom it may concern:

Why do you even care how I would be handling this? You, who have done so much damage: Why. Do. You. Care. Are you feeling guilty for what you have done? Congratulations, you show that you have a basic conscience. It takes more than that to be a responsible human being.

You spent an entire year making promises, telling me we would do this and that and that you loved me. Don't give me this 'I CARE about you' crap--caring is less about responding to your emotions and more about realizing that feelings come and go, but promises are meant to be honored. If you merely 'cared', then the entire last year was a lie.

God spoke to you? God speaks to people every day, but I seriously doubt that He would have told only you and never breathed a hint that anything was wrong to me. You think you would have never made me happy and just want the best for me? Well, how would you freakin' know? You never bothered to find out before saying 'AUGH! I give up!'

I am torn between agony over the person you seemed to be, and utmost loathing for the person you seem to have become. No, I don't buy that you 'care'. You have never bothered to ask how I'm doing. You simply dropped off the face of the earth, avoiding people and pretending that you're heartbroken but everything's 'okay'. I don't buy that you're okay either. I think you're just scared, and didn't know what to do, and decided 'whelp, that didn't work' so it'll never work. 

And what it comes down to?

You didn't want it to work. 

If you truly, sincerely wanted things to work, you wouldn't have acted like a child and run away because it was all too overwhelming.

If you wanted things to work, you would have backed up your promises and not suddenly back-pedaled under the banner of 'wanting what's best (even if you don't agree)'.

If you wanted things to work...but you didn't. 

And you don't. 

And you never will, unless you figure out how to be an adult and know that you can't run away from the things that overwhelm you.

That's why I'm writing this here, where you'll never read it, because you wouldn't be able to handle it. If it were sent as a message, you would never respond due to being 'overwhelmed'.

There's more to life than always feeling comfortable and safe in retreating. 

And if you ever do read this? I dare you to prove me wrong and show that you are, in fact, more than the coward you have proven yourself to be. Go ahead. Consider it a challenge to stop being 'overwhelmed' by the demands of life.

You have no earthly idea how much you have hurt me over the past 6 weeks. A year of lies and leading-on is a hard thing to stand up under. Not only have I lost the person I thought would be a life-long friend and companion, but I have to live with the fact that you didn't REALLY mean any of it. And that's the absolute hardest thing to accept out of the entire mess.